Living your own worst nightmare
This past week I had a conversation with a woman who has had a similar experience to mine. Her husband and her are together, but she is questioning whether or not it will stay that way given all that has happened. We proceeded to talk about my circumstances regarding my now ex-husband and what happened.
It made me start thinking the last couple of days about what it took to forgive the one person I reached out for the day my world turned upside down… The day our son died.
There are audio cassette tape recordings of that morning, from an answering machine. It took me about eight years before I was finally about to listen to them. I knew they exsisted, I talked about them with my therapist. She heard them, the Attorney’s, Doctor’s and anyone who evaluated me heard them. I just couldn’t for a very long time. I knew it would bring me back to that day in a way like nothing else ever would.
|Chris and I in Matching Genie Costumes I made
for Halloween Circa 1995
When I finally decided I was ready to hear the recordings, I took a copy of the tape and I must have held onto it for weeks before I built up the courage to push play. I only had it on for about 5 seconds and it immediately brought me back in time and I quickly shut it off. So, I sat there, for how long I don’t know. I decided I would push play and let it run through until the end no matter what. (This was a series of calls I made to my then husband and he wouldn’t answer the phone and kept hanging up on me) A lot of what I am saying is incomprehensible, babbling. But I am begging him to pick up the phone. I am telling him “something is wrong with me” “I can’t think” I don’t know what’s wrong”. I remember trying to form whole sentences in my mind and my thoughts were coming so fast I couldn’t. Over and Over again I begged and I called. I was hysterical. Things weren’t making sense to me. I remember thinking if he just came there and held me everything would be okay, that somehow he could make it better. My mind was failing me and I was asking my
husband for help and he was failing me too.
After I listened to the tapes, I had serious thoughts about somehow forcing him to hear them over and over again. It brought up so much pain and anger for me about how betrayed and failed I felt by him. I couldn’t talk to him for a while around that time, this was probably around 2007/2008. It took me more time in therapy to work that out.
We used to talk, we don’t anymore. I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to him. It doesn’t feel as though we are able to lay our son to rest completely because there’s so much that’s gone unresolved between us. He has stayed in this angry zone, letting other’s influence his feelings. He has every right to be angry. He also has a responsibility to our daughter and now our grand-daughter to be a good role model. I shoulder my responsibility for what happened back in 1999, I wish my ex-husband did.
But, you can’t make people do what you want them to do or what you think they should do. That was a hard one for me to work on. Accepting that he may stay stuck. I have always hoped for better for him and had to finally accept he may stay stuck emotionally where he is. That does make me sad. This is a man I have known since I was 14 years old. He’s like family to me. I actually met him just days after my mother died.
Sometimes I don’t know if he’s as angry at me as he is angry at himself.
So maybe he’s living his own worst nightmare too…