It’s 2am and I have a belly ache
I thought I could drift off but just as I turned off the light my mind began to wander and into a million thoughts it roamed and soon I just began to cry. The crying doesn’t happen that often, but here’s what does…
I try to close my eyes and as I am fading into sleep my mind wanders and I start thinking about the all
the people who I am upset at. All the things going on I want to fix. All the people who have let me down. My thoughts quickly and fluidly digress from one person to another to another as one connection meets another in my mind.
A lot of these people don’t know each other, some do. Each one thinking it’s their duty to dole out justice in some form as they see fit. Or it’s up to them to make sure _____________ fill in the blank. I am the only one who knows this get repeated all the time. I am the one who goes to bed each night and as my mind wanders I think of the local police officer who I spoke with last week who decided it was up to him to inform my current roommates about my (Postpartum Psychosis)
past even though it was completely irrelevant.
I think of the Ob/Gyn for my daughter we had to fire because he wasn’t comfortable with my past so he didn’t want me in the room. He then broke confidentiality we found out today.
I think of the Foster Parents my granddaughter is placed with who won’t engage with her bio family and how upsetting that is all around especially for my granddaughter.
I think of my ex and how much faith I had in him and how much he betrayed me by allowing his sister to put up a hate site with my name registered on it.
At first I feel angry, but just for a moment. Then it quickly turns to hurt and I want to forgive all these people. Every night that I think of these things (sometimes more sometimes less); in the end whoever it was, and whatever it is that’s hurting me or that I am angry at; I want to forgive. I want to let these things go. I don’t want to lie awake at night and let these people or things invade my head and thoughts.
I practice pushing them out of my mind. I practice forgiving each person. I even envision telling the person I forgive them. Sometimes just doing that brings tears to my eyes. In my mind that means it’s working.
I’m not an angry person. Even when I am really angry and quite livid I don’t even tend to raise my voice. I have a hard time staying angry. I want to forgive.
I mean, don’t we all just want to be forgiven?