“Am I Worthy”
Originally written while I was remanded – Nov 25, 2001 (I had just spent my first Thanksgiving alone)
Life continues elsewhere, but behind these huge stone walls, time seems to stop and sometimes you forget who you really are.
You’ve looked for the light at the end of the tunnel, but hopes and dreams seem to get further and further away until you believe you can’t see them anymore.
You want that with every mistake you make it will be your last, and at last you will learn from your mistakes.
Do you think I’m worthy? Do I think I’m worthy?
There have been many times I have forgotten God and all he has given me. For I am too busy enjoying myself.
I often feel unworthy and believe he will not want my broken body and soul, for I did not turn to him when I was standing tall.
I wonder of my uncertainty of God. Is there truth behind my prayers?
I can say out loud to anyone who would listen; yes, of course God loves me.
Whenever I stumble, he waits for me to ask for his help again. For like all parents, they love their children always, and I am one of his children.
But in my heart, while I lie in bed at night, my fear is that I am undeserving of God’s love and forgiveness.
I waiver in my faith, and wonder if God is really there.
I try to recall in my desperate moments, the times I have been filled by his presence and overwhelming feelings of love.
And I have, for it is not God who forgets me and gets too busy to say hello. It is I who forgets to give thanks to him.
Yet he always helps me back to my feet when I fall, caresses my tears and fills me with hope I so desperately need.
So I pray again the same unforgotten words that I try to believe will be heard.
“Please forgive me, I am sorry and I want to do right by you. Help me God, for you are my strength when I have none.”
So in my weakest moments, when I feel like I have been dropped from a tall building like a rock to the ground, he will wrap his celestial arms around me and embrace my fall, for he knows I will turn to him.
For he is my strength when I have none. And we are all worthy.
I had written this when I was spending my first Thanksgiving in AMHI. I remember I had never been away from family during the Holidays before. When I got up Thanksgiving morning, I cried into my cornflakes. I would no longer be preparing a Turkey.
I’ve been struggling a lot. Away from everyone down here in Myrtle Beach. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and my experience is telling anyone up close and personal about my past is not only not fun, it sends people running.
People always, always think they want to know. They just cannot comprehend. So, you go through the painful, twisting of your soul to tell them and they run away. Because they cannot fathom when you try to explain to them beforehand when you say it’s too difficult to talk about or understand.
So you die just a little bit more inside each time you believe one more person who tells you to trust them. That they will be the one to understand.
I stepped out of dating for years now. My last serious relationship ended in 2011. I wanted to focus on my daughter and all that was happening.
I had only begun dating again since being down in Myrtle Beach. No one knows me here. But, no connections. Nothing worth mentioning until very recently I met someone, I had that feeling you can’t quite put words to. It’s that feeling you wait for. I mean it only took four years right?
But, you know how this ends:
I go ahead and start mentally preparing myself for the big reveal. I had to buy some alcohol (and any of you that know me, know I don’t drink) to start talking. I’m having an anxiety attack the entire time and trying to give this abbreviated version by only saying I was responsible for another life at this point. My guts feel like they’re being ripped out of me.
He’s being very kind. As we are talking, I tell him I could hug him and never let go, and he gives me a warning about not doing that. I am crushed.
We end up on my balcony and he ends up going in first and I stay outside trying to figure out what to do. I then hear his truck start up. I go back inside and he is gone, along with his things. I proceed to send him a series of irrational texts (at this point I am fairly intoxicated) and I got Lasagna in my bed too (I have no idea about that either, found it there this morning. Like I said, I never drink and I drank an entire bottle of wine myself)
This is the most difficult conversation in my world to have with someone. People do not understand what they are asking. This is why I gave up dating. I feel like a fool for believing. I really thought for a moment I had paid penance for everything. I thought someone good, kind and genuine was being sent into my life. Someone who seemed to value the same things I did and was loyal to a fault.
I’m tired. I want to keep believing, I do. It’s just hard.
~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~