Into The Light – Kristina’s Story

Not Just Another Friday


It was a Friday afternoon, but not any Friday afternoon…Memorial Day weekend. I was to spend the weekend with my 2 children, parents, and sister at the beach without my husband because he had to work. Divinely, I was glued to my chair on the front porch of our townhome.

Oddly, I had all sorts of thoughts racing through my head that kept me from getting behind the wheel and driving myself and my kids to the beach. My husband didn’t understand and I don’t think I quite did either. While sitting on the porch, I made a phone call to my best friend. I recall that I made sense when I spoke with her. Then I called my boss and

Postpartum psychosis, surviving, depression, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, psychosis, suicide
Kristina and Her Family

apparently quit my job (I do not have much recollection of that conversation).
My husband told me later that I sat down and quoted scripture that he didn’t think I had ever memorized. He stepped outside for a moment. In that moment, I thought Jesus was returning. I grabbed our kids and begged, “Please save us, our family, and our friends!” I kept repeating those words over and over. Suddenly my husband came back inside and found me looking pale and weak, holding our children. I passed out. He appropriately called 911. Medical personnel responded quickly. As I became conscience (my nursing knowledge jumped in), I promptly and inappropriately told them to pump on my chest and intubate me. I was mentally sick.
My husband was very frightened and didn’t know what was wrong with me. They took me to the ER where I stayed for 2 nights. Then I was transferred to the psychiatric unit. How does a 30 year old mom of two, with no previous history of mental illness get admitted to the psych ward? This is where my memory fails me. The diagnosis: Postpartum Psychosis.

On the psychiatric unit, I had a sitter with me 24/7 to be sure I didn’t harm myself or anyone else. I stayed on the unit for nearly 2 weeks2 weeks without my babies, 2 weeks I did not get exercise or go outside. I ate in my room with the sitter not far from me. I took a shower with the sitter right outside my door. There are some things I remember but other memories my family tells me. My sister informed me at one moment I thought I was Tina Turner and at another time I thought I was pregnant with Baby Jesus.
I do recall thinking I was on the set of Grey’s Anatomy with Bradley Cooper and Mandisa. Shouldn’t have been such a bad place than, right? Oh so wrong – it was a very, very scary place! My anxiety and paranoia was at an all-time high during my hospitalization.  My memory began to return within the last couple of days while in the psychiatric unit. Many people ask me if a switch just turned on one day. The answer is NO – my memory just got better every day. While in the hospital, I was treated with antidepressants, antipsychotic drugs, and an occasional injection when my mood and paranoia levels began to increase. I do recall trying to escape and being held down by the staff and probably given an injection to calm me down. I wasn’t being me at all!
To this day, I can hardly wrap my brain around how my mind played such dirty tricks on me. But, postpartum hormones are no joke. After spending nearly 2 weeks in the hospital, I was discharged home. For two whole weeks I didn’t see my babies ( 5 ½ month old and 2 ½ year old). I was so excited to get home and see them! But, my journey with postpartum psychosis was far from over, folks.
When I returned home things weren’t back to “normal”.  I couldn’t be with my children alone. I couldn’t be by myself. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t return to work. Talk about restrictions! I couldn’t be with my own children by myself? Nope. Doctor’s Orders!!
I felt like I was being tortured. There was even a day I couldn’t take it anymore, but the good news is I got through that day and I’m here to FINISH this story! As part of my rehabilitation I attended an intensive outpatient program for a couple weeks, which was 3 hours of group therapy daily. Want to know what that was like? Since I was still out of touch with reality – it was like being in group therapy with my entire family! I did not like it.
After graduating from the intensive outpatient program, I was then referred to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I continue to see both doctors to this day.

I consider myself extremely blessed as I never had ill thoughts towards my children during this whole episode. I have a new found God given passion to tell my story with other women in hopes to shed light on Perinatal Mood Disorders such as Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum OCD, and Postpartum Psychosis. My mission is to let women everywhere know that she is not alone. For too long I went around thinking others would think I would be a less together mom if I was on meds, but that’s not true!
Now I’m on meds and I’ll tell the whole world! It’s for my mental health and well-being!  Postpartum Depression is diagnosed in 1 in 7 women. Postpartum Psychosis is seen in 1 in 1000 so, it is a pretty rare occurrence. In fact, my doctor said he hadn’t seen it in over 6 years! I am still recovering very well and am now a Warrior Mom Ambassador with Postpartum Progress, a nonprofit organization to raise awareness, fight stigma, and provide peer support and programming to women with maternal mental illness. Information and resources about postpartum can be found on the organization’s website, www.postpartumprogress.org. I also am willing to share my story in person to appropriate group settings if contacted.

Visit Kristina’s Facebook Page and stay updated on her story –
Into the Light: Thriving after Postpartum Psychosis, PPD, and PPA

Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser


~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~



The Dark Silence of the Night

When the Loneliness gets to you

I’m used to being alone. Even when I have others physically near me, I am usually alone. I can’t remember the last time I was able to let someone into all facets of my life and with each passing day, month and year I become less and less hopeful that will ever happen. I’ve become really good at keeping people at arm’s length. It’s one disappointment after another and that’s when I am reminded of how lonely I really am.

Life is hard. Some days are harder than others and I keep trying to leave people better than I found them. It’s not always possible, but I am trying. 
I sit here crying, alone and this is where I turn. Because I am expecting a virtual hug at best when I am finished. 
~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~ postpartum psychosis,natachia barlow ramsey
I tell myself it’s okay if someone else hurts my feelings, I will always reach out or attempt to make the extra effort. I don’t ever want to regret how I left a relationship. I would rather make sure I did what I could. 
As I keep trying to date, I know I push people away. I am afraid they will leave, they will hurt me and I just don’t have it. I couldn’t take that kind of emotional blow in my life. 
I have gotten better at not allowing myself to be taken advantage of though and set better standards for how I allow people to treat me. There comes a place in the middle where with some men I can’t tell if I am pushing them away too quickly or I am practicing better standards for how I am treated. At times I know it lies somewhere on the middle. I have little hope to find someone to walk this journey with me.  
I am puffy faced with a pile of tissues beside me. I cannot breathe out of my nose. My cheeks and eyes are swollen and it almost looks like I’ve been slapped around. An emotional beat down. 
Amazing Grace just came on my playlist. The tears started again. I know self forgiveness is the toughest of all. Because even as I type this words pop into my head all the time like penance, paying my dues, lifelong sentence, this is what I deserve.
Now I can tell anyone else besides myself that is not true and have compassion for them. But I don’t feel that for myself. I have given myself a life sentence of guilt and grief that comes in waves. On nights like this, it feels overwhelming, as though the weight of a thousand grieving mothers sits upon my heart. 
You are good, you do deserve love, you do deserve people in your life who love and care for the whole you. All of you; your past, present and future. I am going to say this to myself and I encourage any of you who need to say this to yourself to say it as well. Because it is true and I promise it will feel like it eventually, even if it doesn’t in this precise moment. In this dark silence of the night.


~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~


Suicide is Complicated

These Muddy Waters

I was having a conversation a few nights ago with someone who had a friend who committed suicide last year. He asked me “What triggers it? What were the actual thoughts?” I had previously stated that the feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness and an unending pain went on for so long that it felt unbearable. It seemed unending. I was speaking from my own experience. My own feelings.

What I wasn’t able to answer, was what specifically that person’s own circumstances were. People have their own unique set of situations that lead us into the abyss and down into the darkness we can’t seem to find our way out of. At different times I have felt suicidal, there have been slightly different sets of trials and tribulations. For me, most of them revolve  around personal relationships and abandonment issues. Again

Postpartum Psychosis, suicide, natachia barlow ramsey, depression, maternal mental health

that arises in different ways as well. 

Through the years I have learned to identify it and recognize the ways in which I start to become affected. I have spoken of this before. 
I have suffered from depression with suicidal ideation since I was 11 years old. Maybe younger, but that’s as far back as I can remember having thoughts of taking my own life. 
So there are times in my life that I actively get up and say to myself, I am going to live today. That may not make sense to many of you. But, there are some of you that will make perfect sense to.
Even before I became ill with Postpartum Psychosis, I had a family history of suicide and depression. 
I would like to believe I am a good example of what not to do after your mother commits suicide and a year later her father kills himself. Please get the family into therapy. Don’t think everything will just be okay. It will rear it’s head eventually. You will have dysfunction a day, or a decade later. 
Drafted January 18th, 2016
This is my life. All I can do is keep breathing and there are days when that is all I do. Suicide became my friend early in life. It muddied the waters for me, especially after my mother hung herself. That was my first up close and personal experience with it. Since that time I have lost both family and friends to suicide. I have my own scars, internal and external.

I sat with someone today for lunch who had expressed needing a friend to talk to. I knew he had gone through a divorce and had a rough time of it and was still a little angry over the breaking down of his family. I have a tough time not reaching out when others appear vulnerable, because I understand what that is like.
I wish we as a community did more to build each other up, even if all it is was meeting someone for lunch. People don’t want to be forgotten. They want to know they are important. Remembered. No one should ever feel so empty, so alone, so forgotten, hopeless that things will never change for them, that they want to die.

Please reach out for help if you or someone in your family is thinking about suicide. If you know someone who has committed suicide and want to talk call the lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum psychosis, suicide, maya angelou, depression, life, poemI wish I could have answered those questions for him. But there’s always muddy water when someone takes their own life. There was never one specific thing that triggered it for me. There may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. But it was usually a culmination of things over a period of time. Some questions that will forever remain unanswered. It’s something you have to make peace with.
Suicide is a tricky bitch. I may be smiling but in the back of my mind I am having those thoughts. They whisper to you, they comfort you. They were just hiding their pain.

Every person has a breaking point. My heart is aching right now as I think about the people I have lost and that I wish I could go back because I know better now. There are some it was so obvious but I was just too young, too inexperienced, too naive. I couldn’t have saved them all, but I could have made a difference to some. Maybe unmuddy the waters a bit. Because life’s complicated enough.


Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

My Psychosis Song

maternal mental health, postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health symbol, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicide


My  Psychosis  Song


Psychosis seized my mind, grabbed my very soul, shook my
very essence and violently took hold.
Overcome with thoughts that twisted in my head,
left me torn apart, and wishing I were dead.
Searching for the answers while my thinking was deranged,
left us all with scars and everlasting change.
Thrust into a place where everything surreal. I was completely
turned around, yet it all seemed so-oh real.

Pregnant now I wasn’t, but the joy just wasn’t there;
 replaced by emptiness and permanent despair.
Akin to automation, every, single, day. You lose touch 
with your sanity, you slowly slip away.
Reality is yours, it’s right in front of you. What’s black
is black to you, there is nothing they can do.
Truth is how you see it, through your own distorted eyes;
you know the only way, is to finally say goodbye.
Urgency abounds, now that the answers clear, love still
fills your heart, there is nothing left to fear.
Motherhood is sacred, it’s only you that understands. The rest
can go to hell, the rest can all be damned.
Psychosis seized my mind, grabbed my very soul, shook my
very essence and violently took hold.
Still I thought I knew, what black was really black. Slowly
began the process, of finding my way back.
Yearning for the void, to be filled within my soul. Yet knowing
that I’d live and never ‘gain be whole.
Crying every night, for years and years on end, asking for
forgiveness, just looking for a friend.
Harshest on yourself, yet there’s always some close by, to judge
you for your shame, while you close your eyes and cry.
Overcome with thoughts, that had twisted in my head. Had
left me torn apart and wishing I were dead.
Slowly opened eyes again as everything got lighter. The thoughts
were all less foggy, the colors all were brighter.
I started seeing things, the way I used to see. What once looked
like the color black, was now bright white to me.

Searching for the answers, while my thinking was deranged,
left us all with scars and everlasting change.


Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Suicide, Depression, Maternal Mental Health, Psychosis



~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

This Postpartum Life; the Scars of Psychosis

What do you see when you look at me?

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis
You look at me and you see a woman with scars on her wrists from a failed attempt at the taking of her life.
Damn her, there’s no understanding. We drive our children into the water. You don’t get that the ocean is a sea of despair. 
We are broken and we look around, waiting, begging, dying inside. We look for the arms to wrap around us and bring us to our feet.
No more tears, we have wept a lifetime of sorrows for motherhood. The aches, the breaks and the tragedies to come. Help us, feel our pain.
Do not take out babies, our souls from us. We are not deserving of punishment. We are your mothers. We gave you all life, give us ours.
We need your love, understanding, kindness. Do not judge us. A mothers love is unconditional. Yet you slice us open for public display at being broken.
So fix ours wings and help us to fly again. Do not put us in a dark empty box to wither and die. We have been fixing your pains with love since time.
We are your mothers, we are your mothers, we are your mothers. Do not throw us away.
The Ocean we drive into is a Sea of Desperation. Hold out your arms lift us up, hang on tight and guide us to the light. 
Do not judge, we are your Mothers, we are your Mothers, Do not throw us away. Kiss away our sorrows and help us heal the way we have yours’. 
Whisper those tears rolling, streaming, screaming down our cheeks; dripping from our chin onto our breast, let them be gone. 
What do you see when you look at me? A Mother who had fallen? Who stood back up? 
What do you see?

I see me…

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

My Psychosis Song

RE- POST – Postpartum Depression vs Postpartum Psychosis; 1, 2, 3, 4, – I declare… War?

Are We Battling for Our Place; Our Voice?


In my longstanding pursuit of wanting to not only have a voice myself, but to enable others to have a voice in similar circumstances as well, it seems we have (and by “we” I mean ‘me’) inadvertently stepped on some toes. It’s often difficult to be heard unless you shout in this busy world of everyone talking over everyone else. 

So generally I still start out by saying in an ever so low voice, “excuse me, would you be so kind”. Then I work up to “pardon me, I have something to say and I would appreciate some of your time”. (Now this may happen a couple times) To eventually “Excuse Me! I Have Something I Am Going To Say And I Will Be Heard”! *Sigh*



postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicide
Stormy Outside My Home Today. Our First

Nor’Easter Of the Year.

Honestly, it never feels good to get to the point of the proverbial finger shaking (even in my own mind as I type). But what’s a gal to go? I mean these are important issues. 
Bridging the gap from the tragedies, to the happy endings of where we find ourselves at the mercy of Postpartum Mood Disorders. They strip us of our ability to function at the most basic level. They can take away our sense of reasoning and our ability to rationalize. It attacks our brain; what we rely on to tell us something isn’t right. If our brain is telling us  the water isn’t hot and we get in it and our brain doesn’t register it as pain, we get burned. 

So as I have stated previously, I have been wanting to narrow the gap between what I feel is all the women running blogs and speaking on websites about how they “survived” Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Psychosis or any Postpartum Affliction. I think it is more than wonderful that all those women are reaching out and talking. I want to hear from all the “other” women as well. Not only the women who committed infanticide or attempted suicide. But their families of suicide survivors. Also as one women on another site recently commented –

“Are we ready yet to talk about the abusive acts we have committed while suffering from postpartum depression and psychosis? I’m sure I am not alone in this. My kids and I have been through a lot of good therapy and healing. It was hell at the time. We worked very hard to heal. It was frightening and it continues to be scary to talk about; but I, for one, want to. Anyone else? Any why talk about it? Healing. Healing and forgiveness and moving on.”

I say yes to that. Yes! I want these women to come forward and to have a voice. Just as she said, because it’s healing. It’s about healing and forgiveness and moving on. 
This isn’t to “out” anyone who isn’t ready. My God is took me over 13 years to feel ready and that whole time I was looking for someone to start talking and asking, reaching out. Telling me they wanted to hear from me. Finally after a culmination of many, many things over the last year, (including but not limited to) my realizing I have no anonymity in this day and age. Not with technology and people making up whatever they want and claiming it’s the truth. So here I am, being my own voice and advocating for yours.
I love how far we have come so far in just recognizing Postpartum Mood Disorders. We can’t stop. I was chatting with Teresa Twomey the other day, specifically about this topic. I was referencing how the numbers for infanticide/suicide may be only at 5%, (and in the minority as someone pointed out) but that number gets much larger for the attempted suicides/infanticides or as the mother above pointed out “abusive acts”. These are not things any of us are proud of. But to pretend as though they didn’t happen does an injustice to all of us. How are we going to help all of those who have experienced this or will experience this if we don’t talk about it? 
I know I knew Nothing in 1999. Now I know so much more than I would have ever thought possible. I’m not going to be the person who doesn’t speak up because it’s uncomfortable to talk about and when tragedy strikes, know I could have said something. I don’t want that next mother, that next family saying; oh my god… we just didn’t know what could happen.

Do any of you want that? I certainly don’t.


Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis, Suicide, Maternal Mental Health, Psychotic, Depression


I call Bullshit

Discrimination and Disgust


This is just a small add-on to my post from yesterday about the “Contest” that Postpartum Support International ran for an International Maternal Mental Health Symbol. Here’s the breakdown of the final ten and I will paste my reply to a condescending response on a facebook post-

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicide
My Maternal Mental Health Contest Submission


Just because you pretend something doesn’t exist does not mean it isn’t real.

Sharon Gerdes with PR and Marketing Chair at PSI on the Board of Directors – Purple Heart, mother/baby Circle

Teresa Twomey Wrote the Book Understanding Postpartum Psychosis And is the Connecticut State Co-Coordinator for PSI – Cowrie Shells

Joy Burkhard who is on the Executive Committee and the Project Director for California Maternal Mental Health Collaborative – Pink Sparrow

Peggy O’Neil Nosti is the founder of The Blue Dot project and works in collaboration with the Postpartum Health Alliance – Blue Dot

Adrienne Griffen is the Founder and Executive Director of Postpartum Support Virginia and State Co-Coordinator for PSI Virginia – Purple Flower

Suzanne Nelson runs support groups for PSI out of New York – Shades of Light Pregnancy and Postpartum Peer Support Group – (Two entries actually) Purple green swoosh and Abstract Butterfly

—-
Out of ten that’s 7 that either work directly for PSI or greatly influence them. 70% is not realistic if this were a genuinely fair and indiscriminate contest. I call bullshlt




There’s my post from yesterday explaining why I was upset and today I looked into who made the ten finalists. Thinking I would find something to be not so upset about. Yesterday I was only aware of three of them that were affiliated with Postpartum Support International or linked somehow. Now at least seven. There’s 3 I have no idea about. Maybe, or maybe not. I think at least one of them is not. I just don’t know

Talk about being sleazy, underhanded, hypocritical, there’s not enough adjectives. There’s just not enough and I call Bullshit

Maternal Mental Health Contest Controversy

But I sprinkle babies on my oatmeal – Say What? 

So it seems that when Postpartum Support International said they were hosting an international contest open to All; what they really meant was it was open to everyone who was already in good standing. You know, had some clout, had a good name, had a little oomph behind them or at the very least was not me. Because, as you all are very aware; I am a hideous ogre that eats little children for breakfast. 

Regardless, when I first heard of this… oh boy was I so very excited! I thought “Oh my, what a wonderful opportunity”. I actually believed for several weeks (and it took me a week to create this piece which I will share with you) that I would at the very least make it to the top ten. I even thought I may win and might have my name next to something remarkable and good revolving around Postpartum Psychosis for a change. Oh how I desperately wanted to win. To have my name finally googled and it associated with something Other than all the horrid things people have often said about me would have been glorious. 
I kept thinking about how I would get to attend the conference at UNC in Chapel Hill and be surrounded by

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Maternal Mental Health Contest Submission

my own kind. 

You see, I’ve grown accustomed to the other kinds of people tossing me half sideways glances and backhanded compliments. You get used to the false friends, or the people who just want to talk to you because they are nosey. The pretenders. But it’s always so much more hurtful when you think you are in a group of your own and they turn out to be just the same as you’ve always known and you realize once again you are really alone. 
I’m too controversial to have my name associated with being the design that people might vote for the most… So I can’t be in the top ten. What if I won? Then Postpartum Support International would Have to announce Me as the winner. *Something I thought would be so wonderful and could show support to so many
women* They would be horrified to have to announce me. I mean, I took the life of my son when I was sick with Postpartum Psychosis.

This is  the Written part of my submission, I should have included it earlier but did not. Some people have been asking if I had included anything explaining why I chose this design since that may have been the reason… Well, I certainly did! Although there appears to be one image on the top ten that says nothing other than his wife sent him a link and thought he would find it interesting. Regardless here is my written submission:

I am a Postpartum Psychosis Survivor. I blog, advocate, speak loudly and softly. I would be honored to have my design be chosen. I have been speaking with and for women since I became ill in 1999. Maternal Mental Health means a great deal to me and at the moment I am the only women who currently runs a blog and is speaking publicly about losing a child to PPP. 

I give you a bit of my background because I want you to know that this is something I take seriously and I hold it so close to my heart I am not sure I could find the words to express it properly.

2. How do hope your design will impact awareness around maternal mental health issues? 
Even before I found out about this contest I was tweeting #PostpartumUnity
I think if women and families know just by seeing the symbol there is someone with some knowledge and understanding without having to say a word, so many more people would be willing to start talking. You don’t always know who is going to understand what you are going through. 
I am including some brief context as to why I chose and created the Symbol that I did. 
I thought long and hard and have spent a great deal of time on this. 

Birds as Symbols of Motherhood in History and Cultural Lore –
Dove:
Associated with peace, love and tranquility, the dove is a companion of Venus (Roman goddess of love). The dove is also a common symbol of the Virgin Mother Mary and is portrayed in Christian art as a representation of selfless love and the sacrifice every mother makes for the well-being of their offspring.
Dove symbolism has seemingly inexhaustible sources of flavor and dynamism throughout most histories, cultures and myth.

Did you know doves produce their own milk? Yep, it’s called “crop milk” or “pigeons milk.” It’s an oddity in nature for birds to produce their own milk to feed their young. From this unique ability, we can glean symbolism of nurturing. In fact, doves are commonly considered a symbol of motherhood.

Borromeam Rings/Trinity Rings/Seed of Life Rings etc…:
It represents many things, in many contexts including Strength in Unity. That is a solid concept in whatever context the rings are seen in. Strength in Unity are also represented by circles. 
I give you a bit of my background because I want you to know that this is something I take seriously and I hold it so close to my heart I am not sure I could find the words to express it properly.
2. How do hope your design will impact awareness around maternal mental health issues? Even before I found out about this contest I was tweeting #PostpartumUnityI think if women and families know just by seeing the symbol there is someone with some knowledge and understanding without having to say a word, so many more people would be willing to start talking. You don’t always know who is going to understand what you are going through. I am including some brief context as to why I chose and created the Symbol that I did. I thought long and hard and have spent a great deal of time on this. 
Birds as Symbols of Motherhood in History and Cultural Lore –Dove:Associated with peace, love and tranquility, the dove is a companion of Venus (Roman goddess of love). The dove is also a common symbol of the Virgin Mother Mary and is portrayed in Christian art as a representation of selfless love and the sacrifice every mother makes for the well-being of their offspring.Dove symbolism has seemingly inexhaustible sources of flavor and dynamism throughout most histories, cultures and myth.
Did you know doves produce their own milk? Yep, it’s called “crop milk” or “pigeons milk.” It’s an oddity in nature for birds to produce their own milk to feed their young. From this unique ability, we can glean symbolism of nurturing. In fact, doves are commonly considered a symbol of motherhood.
Borromeam Rings/Trinity Rings/Seed of Life Rings etc…:It represents many things, in many contexts including Strength in Unity. That is a solid concept in whatever context the rings are seen in. Strength in Unity are also represented by circles. 

No One wants to actually talk about that reality. It’s better to just sweep it under the rug. BUT, when the NEXT mother drives her mini-van into the ocean or gets shot down in front of the White House… Well, let’s ALL be up in Arms about it. We wouldn’t want to try raising awareness NOW by say having someone like me represent those women. So push me back down and shut the door on me again, that’s what most of you are really good at doing. But make sure you all raise your fists in the air when once again it’s too late for another Mom and/or her kids. 
Oh and I will give you a link to the site to vote but you won’t find my design there because as I said, I am too controversial. I suppose you could use the Contact button  next to Contest Hosted By: Postpartum Support International on the link and vote for me that way but it probably still won’t count. But I would still appreciate it.
I am still holding out hope that some day when my name is googled there will be something besides the horrible things and something good will be said. No one talks about the good stuff you do, only the bad.
**Add-on** The next day I took a closer look at who DID make the top ten and here’s the breakdown in the following day’s blog post “I Call Bullshit” or you can just go to the homepage and see both posts.
Thanks Everyone

Living a Life of Postpartum Psychosis

Help us, feel our pain


We are broken and we look around, waiting, begging, dying inside. We look for the arms to wrap around us and bring us to our feet. The Ocean we drive into is a Sea of Desperation. Hold out your arms, lift us up, hang on tight and guide us to the light. All we can do is keep breathing and trying. 


No more tears, we have wept a lifetime of sorrows for motherhood. The aches, the breaks and the tragedies to come. Help us, feel our pain. 
For every woman that the public and media is ready to tar and feather because there isn’t Universal Mental Health Screening for every pregnant and Postpartum Woman there are thousands that do receive effective treatment. Does that mean we should allow those woman to continue to slip through

the cracks? No. 

But there needs to be a better understanding for cases of Postpartum Psychosis and Women’s Mood

Disorders. The stories the public hears about are the Postpartum Stories that end in tragedy. Why? Well because it sells. 

postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicideI mean I can’t blame the public. I read those stories too. I have said over and over that “we” in our own Postpartum Psychosis/Depression/Anxiety community, we do nothing to help ourselves if we perpetuate the ideas that “those” (myself included) moms are different than the moms who did successfully receive treatment. 
I can tell you I am shunned by many in the Postpartum Depression community and when I finally get the opportunity to speak with any of them the most I often get is “well I don’t know what to say”. As though I speak a different language. I find it to be highly hypocritical that these same people want to advocate and call to justice all those who did not do anything for these “poor” women in their time of need, yet those women are me. So if they are at a loss of words of what to say to me what exactly do they think they are or would say to that woman if given the chance?
I am Miriam Carey and I am standing before you all now. I am Ebony Wilkerson (Mini-van Mom), 15 years later. Speak to me now – say something.

There’s a class of women that I remember one very insightful lady blogging about and she got it right on the nose when she said… it was as though saying they had Postpartum Depression got them into some club or something. Without fully realizing the enormity of it. Like it was the new trendy thing to have. 
I remember thinking “Wow, she hit the nail on the head with that one”. I am disgusted by it. It diminishes the real and genuine struggle some women are going through and there are many variables with Postpartum Mood Disorders. Especially Postpartum Psychosis. Which is very real, very scary and can lead to real tragedies. It needs to be taken very seriously.
Postpartum Depression, especially left untreated can have unforeseen consequences and tragic outcomes. 

I do need to say this; that as disgusted by this new trendy era of PPD (that’s Postpartum Depression for you not in the know); I am even more disgusted by the general public and their “trolling”. All of you out there with your pseudonyms (let me save you a step – it means the fake name you use online to hide your true identity) scouring the headlines and just chomping at the bit to get to the comment section and say something oozing with ignorance and common fallacies. Just pouring hatred and judgement into this world as though there isn’t enough already.

I use my real name here; Natachia Barlow Ramsey. At least I have found the courage to do that. It’s not easy and I decided I will be the person who gets to decide what’s put out there about me. Not another “troll”. I get to tell my story.

If that means that someone reads this blog and finds inspiration from it, that is wonderful. If they are disgusted but they walk away with just a bit more knowledge and think.. Good lord I Never want to end up like her. Well more power to them and hopefully they will pass that along as well. 

This article was started on my son (Hunter’s) birthday. Yeah, it was Tuesday, March 11th; he would have been 15 years old. My mother’s birthday was Thursday, March 13th. I’ve been keenly aware of the dates this week because my appeal briefs were due on the 11th.

Hey, like me, love me, hate me. But I know every single one of you has or had a mother. There’s no truer truth than that. So sign the damn petition. 

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis, Suicide, Maternal Mental Health, Psychotic, Depression


~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~